I could write all day about how I feel regarding the complete discriminatory views many have towards mental health however this isn’t what this blog is about. Ive been lucky that during lockdown I work in a profession that isn’t affected as greatly as some others. Ive been able to work throughout, and to be honest I think this has saved me. I am at a point of rock bottom within my bipolar again, and it sucks to be back here. I have been thinking a lot about how I describe things to my loved ones so im going to try and put how I feel into words the best I can. Not just for myself but for the understanding of others.
Recently I’ve felt emotionally exhausted. I have nothing left to give. I go about my day with no purpose. The littlest thing tips me over the edge or throws me off course. It could be something so basic that when in a better place, I wouldn’t even give it a second thought, but in a bad place, it consumes me. My head runs away with me, I can’t let go of the anxiety, negative thoughts, and I can’t lift the weight from my shoulders. It takes more energy to make people think im ok. I have one negative thought that snowballs in to tons of negative thoughts. The process continues day in day out. I feel worthless, like a bad person, not loveable, not good at anything, ugly. My self confidence hits rock bottom and I struggle to comprehend why anyone would like me. I even get it in my head my friends only talk to me because they feel they have to. I feel like im fighting a losing battle. I feel like im struggling to wake up each day with a different outlook, no matter how hard I try. I feel like any mistakes I’ve made in life are on repeat in my head, driving me insane. Like a front row seat to my life story, but I only see the bad things. Its like a constant torture I can’t escape from. I just want to run, or tear my head off. Neither are feasible. I never feel like I want to or can talk fully to anyone about this because I don’t want to be judged. And in the moment I can never find the words. So here I am writing down the bad days with bipolar disorder, hoping people can relate to this.
Its not always easy to talk, its not always as easy as talking it through, or taking up a better mindset. Trust me, I’ve tried. If someone does confide in you, don’t take that as a given they will always want to talk to you about it. Speaking from experience with bipolar, at times I find it a lot easier to talk about how I feel than others. Don’t take it personally, its just what our own heads allow. If someone does find comfort in talking to you, don’t judge, don’t patronise, in fact you don’t even have to advice, just listen. Just be present, put your phone down for 5 minutes and listen. Give that person your full attention, make them feel less alone. Make them feel like they genuinely care. The worst feeling in the world is confiding about your deepest thoughts with someone who doesn’t care or doesn’t respect your feelings. Appreciate that that person probably isn’t looking for sympathy, just someone to off load on. In world where you can be anything….be kind.