So before I started this blog, I really struggled with knowing how to express myself, especially when I was down. So I started writing my feelings. Now at the moment I’m transferring from depressive to the mania phase within my bipolar disorder so I feel a lot stronger to post this. Not too long ago, I hit rock bottom, I wrote a brief note of my thoughts, and I’m now wanting to share that with you.
“Hello rock bottom….. we meet again!”
“The past few weeks have been hard. Not just difficult but breathtakingly, exhaustingly hard. I spend around 4 hours of my day pretending to be ok and the other 20 hours crying, anxiety ridden, in pain, alone, stressed and debating whether life is for me. Ive had a solid week of rock bottom, and Im not sure I see the mist clearing anytime soon. Some see me as strong, but in reality, I’m a coward. Im a coward for not seeking help. Im a coward for not realising how my behaviour and emotions have an impact on my family and friends. Im a coward for looking for the easy way out. When my bipolar takes me to this place, I usually stay busy, but due to recently health problems, I can’t. Im stuck at home not knowing where to turn, not knowing what to do and not sure how to keep going. I have some of the most amazing people around me, yet I don’t even have the energy to express how I’m feeling to them healthily. I could write a book of all the thoughts and feeling flying through my head, so why can’t I vocalise it to get help?! I spend time googling how many tablets I would need to take for it to be fatal. But it’s just information I don’t need, I do want to live. I need to get out of this battle. I need to escape. I NEED HELP! “
So why am I posting this now? Well now I’m on the up again I think its important to share my moments of despair. I rode out the storm this time, and writing it down really really helped me. It helped me understand how I was feeling and what I needed, which I established myself….I needed help. I am currently on a mission to share others stories regarding their own battles with mental health. Blogging is a format that can be totally anonymous and totally raw and true. I love blogging. I find it expressive, motivating, encouraging, mindful and I love that writing how I feel can make others feel less alone. So here’s my feelings at rock bottom. My unadjusted, completely true and honest reality. Please if anyone would like to share their story with us contact us, either on social media or through emailing us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Together we can make a stand against the stigma of mental health, and educate those around us. Be kind.