Ever wondered what it’s like living with Bipolar Disorder? Here is a typical day for myself when I’m experiencing highly depressive thoughts and feelings whilst in this phase of Bipolar. It can be so hard dealing with these thoughts, and I hope this may help just one person realise what becomes a daily struggle for people with bipolar disorder. Please note, that this is my own personal perspective, and others may experience differing symptoms of the disorder.
08:00am – Alarm goes off, I wake up feeling tired, lacking energy and optimism for the day. I snooze my alarm, giving myself 10 more minutes before dragging myself out of bed. 10 more minutes pass, I snooze the alarm. This becomes a habit for hours. I don’t have the energy to just turn the alarm off, I just snooze it each time. I don’t feel hungry, I don’t feel motivated, I feel ill. A few more hours in bed won’t hurt!
10:00am – I drag myself out of bed, by this point I’m angry at myself, why did I stay in bed so long? Why do I feel so tired after a full nights sleep?! Why do I feel so ill? 2 hours in bed, has meant 2 hours of not getting myself out of this depressive mood from the get go, so the self hatred creeps in. I sit aimlessly looking through notifications on my phone. Anyone else not able to start their day without a little social media check? At this point I’m not hungry, so I skip breakfast and decide that a shower might help wake me up.
11:00am – Im out the shower, god I’ve put on weight. Don’t think I’ve ever been so big. Wheres all these spots come from? I look so ugly. I understand why no-one would want me. Its nearly midday and I’ve done nothing with my day. Sod it, I’m getting back into bed, I have no energy. Ive snapped at a friend who messaged with their daily problems. Thats another person who hates me today, brilliant! What a great day!
14:00pm – just woken up from a nap, Still don’t feel well, feel miserable. Fed up of feeling so low. By why do I feel this way? I try and think about what’s bringing me down, I fail, I lose concentration and instead scroll through online shopping sites looking at things I could never afford but that would make me feel better. Oh what it would be like to live in a fantasy world.
16:00pm – I’m grumpy, at myself and everyone, at the world. At this point I comfort eat, I sit with enough sweets and chocolate to last me weeks, and I eat it all! Noone’s messaged me, so that means no-one cares. Would anyone even notice if I wasn’t here?
19:00pm – I wake up now from my second nap of the day. Filled with dread about my night ahead at work. What if something goes wrong? What if I’m not capable? Im tired still, I have no energy. I doubt myself. I feel sick from eating so much sweet food. So cup of tea and off to work it is. I move slower than normal.
21:00pm – Ive started work now and in full swing. Ive painted on my happy face to take charge of the work at hand. No-one would even know what was going through my head today. No-one would even guess I was mentally unwell. I tell noone. I prefer to keep those thoughts to myself. You never know who’s there to judge you. I smile, I get on with my job.
23:00pm – Not long before today is over. Im sat at work now, filled with anxiety about whether I had forgotten something or whether I’m messed up without realising. I feel sick, my heart rate increases. I sit in silence. People try and talk to me and its like I can’t even hear them. I tell no-one how I feel. I sit and wait for the feeling to pass. Tomorrow is a new day. Lets hope for a better one.